Wikipedia can be so stupid sometimes...

For example, when I type in "Love" - of course I don't want to read about the "any of a number of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection and attachment"
I want to read about late '60s psychedelic garage rock group that released the legendary album "Forever Changes"


When will wikipedia start to get me? ...it doesn't love me at all... (and yes I mean the band again)

Sports Curses

Wikipedia has an exhaustive list of sports-related curses. Some are quite famous - the curse of the bambino, the billy goat curse, the Sports Illustrated curse, while some others are less so. Some have to be read incredibly selectively to seriously be considered curses. Some could be considered curses, but the reasoning is incredibly uninspired. Here's a couple of interesting finds.



I would be remiss not to mention that one of the curses here is about snooker. Now, I probably would be wise to leave it at that. But I'll just add that this is, of course, the famous "Crucible Curse" - as everyone knows, no first-time champion has ever defended his title at the Crucible Theatre in Sheffield, where the World Snooker Championship has been held since 1977.



There's the incredibly dubious Curse of NHL Expansion - it's not even clear who is cursed under this curse. Arbitrarily the Maple Leafs haven't made the Cup finals since the expansion of '67, while two of the expansion teams, the Kings and Blues have never won it.



Of course, there's the legendary Utah Sports Runner Up Jinx. Who doesn't know about Utah's famous inability to go higher than second place in a sport? Examples include the Jazz in 1997 and 1998, and the Utes looking the NCAA Men's Basketball Championship to Kentucky in 1998. Less-known examples include the Salt Lake Bees (minor league baseball) losing the Pacific Coast League championship three times, Real Salt Lake losing the Western Conference Final to New York Red Bulls, the Utah Snowbears folding after completing a 27-1 season, before they could attempt to take the championship, and the University of Utah Women's Gymnastics team finishing second three years in a row. According to experts, the curse was either formed when Dennis Rodman stated that "Utah Will Never Win a Championship," or alternately when Poltergeist was filmed there (the people of Utah are very religious.)



The curse that inspired this article is the Curse of the Colonel. After their first ever Japan Series championship, Henshin Tigers fans, to celebrate, fan look-a-likes of every Tigers player jumped into a river off a bridge in Osaka. Having no white people to resemble star slugger Randy Bas,s the fans threw into the river a statue of Colonel Sanders, the only white person hanging around. Since then, the Tigers have yet to take another Series.



Then last, but, not least, there's my favorite the "Socceroos Witch Doctor Curse." Now the explanation could not possibily live up to the name of the curse, but basically the gyst is that a Australian Soccer player paid a witch doctor while in Mozambique to curse the opposing team - the curse worked in that game, but the players couldn't come up with the money, and since then (well, up to 2006) the Socceroos had been unable to qualify for a World Cup.

Now that the campaign has been going on for months, I have been trying to figure out why I am somehow drawn and not bothered by UPS' whiteboard ad campaign, while nearly any other campaign similar in anyway (ie - on two different fronts, Cablevision's commercial with snarky guy with sport jacket talking in front of white background, and Bud Light's particularly odious set of ads featuring a man drawing in whiteboard-tyep writing to display what drinkability is and why it's a good thing (and, in one of them, have a great old laugh at how hilarious it is that they don't know what Baba ghanoush is)) is just terrible.



Usually these spokespeople are slick and smarmy at best, and downright arrogant and obnoxious at worst. But somehow, this UPS guy manages not to offend - to seem likeable - the drawings are fun, and lighthearted and his demeanor and dress are sensible - to be blunt, he doesn't seem like a giant douchebag. And it's not just that he looks kind of like Doug Flutie, though that certainly doesn't hurt. In addition, every ad, without fail ends with a little humor line from the spokesperson. Even when they're not actually funny, they kind of make you smile - the guy seems to honestly be enjoying himself up there.

I was curious and decided to see what I could find and the internet, and I came upon this fascinating slate article about the campaign, which may have tapped into one of the reasons the guy is so likeable - he's not an actor - rather he's the creator of the campaign, himself.

For kicks, here's another couple ads:

If I could make on proclamation that would come true, and a stipulation was that it couldn't actually have a real effect on the world in any way (ie. world peace, no more hunger, poverty, etc.), it would be to eliminate every playing of Jet's "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" for five years (as a start) and if I got an extra half-a-wish replace each of these recordings with The Jam's "Town Called Malice" (which it kind of sounds like for half a second). Just to get it straight, I don't hate "Are You Gonna Be My Girl," I just don't want to hear it for a significant while. If that doesn't sound like a big difference to you, I assure you it is.

When I was a kid I was big into history (I guess I still am a bit - I majored in it and all that), and I had this one book I loved that was just about the presidents (I think it went up to the first Bush) , and at the end it ranked them and gave them all ratings. I know a bit about the presidents, but I'm probably not qualified to rank all of them. I am, however, a bit of a 24 historian, and believe that I am quite qualified to rank the 24 Presidents. The ranking is as follows: (Yes, another 24 entry - this is it for now, I swear)

1. David Palmer



A senator from Maryland, before becoming President, Palmer was vital in stopping the explosion of a nuclear bomb in America, and played in a pivotal role in preventing the United States from going to war with three countries who many wrongly believed were responsible for the bomb, due to a forged audio recording. Assassinated while writing his memoirs after his term, Palmer, although he served just one term (like other great one-termer James K. Polk) will be remembered for his strong decision making abilities and his adherence to his principles, although his memory was tarnished slightly when the fact that he lied to the chief of police during his re-election campaign to protect his ex-wife was leaked to the press.

2. Wayne Palmer


David Palmer's brother, elected to serve after Hal Gardner, was the youngest president ever, when sworn in. Before serving in his brother's administration, he was a pitcher at Stanford, a marine, and got his JD at Yale. Early in his presidential term, he took hits from some for his inability to make tough decisions and displayed ham-handed decision making while paying Abu Fayed 25 million dollars and giving him Jack Bauer for the location of Hamri Al-Assad, when in turned out that Fayed was the terrorist responsible for attacks, rather than Assad. Palmer, however, made the difficult, but eventually proved as prudent decision to turn away suggestions from both within and outside of his organization to create detention camps for muslims. After an attack on his life, he was awakened from his coma to stop Vice President Noah Daniels from attempting to launch a nuclear bomb on Assad's country, and manages to convince the ambassador to provide valuable information. Later in the day, Palmer slipped back into a coma, where he remains. While the nation still hopes he will one day recover, he will always be remembed for his service in preventing a nuclear attack, and keeping civil liberties in a time of racial turmoil.

3. Allison Taylor

Taylor is still only in the first months of her term, and thus could easily move up or down on this list, depending on how she deals with her first major crisis, which is upon her - threatened terrorist strikes against American civilians in response to a planned invasion of Songala. So far, she has gotten credit for facing openly the Songala genocide, but has taken criticism from those who says it is not America's place, and that an invasion is not worth the risk to American men and woman serving in the armed forces.

4. John Keeler



Elected after David Palmer decided late in the campaign not to seek re-election, Keeler did not have much time to serve, being unable to continue the duties of the office, after Air Force One, with him aboard, was shot down from the sky. Perception of him fell after it was discovered he attempted to blackmail David Palmer out of the presidential race.

5. Noah Daniels



Daniels ascended to the Presidency after Wayne Palmer lapsed into a coma, and almost made a costly mistake by firing a nuclear bomb in his first day in office, and his aggressive conduct almost led to a war with the Russians, which, to his credit, Daniels was able to avoid. Daniels served out the rest of Palmers term, and left fairly unpopular, defeated in his reelection bid by Allison Taylor, and criticized by some for his reluctance to help in the Songala genocide.

6. Jim Prescott



Prescott, originally David Palmer's Vice President, served as acting President while President Palmer was recovering from an assasination attempt by way of a virus, and briefly earlier on the day Palmer contracted the virus, when he invoked the 25th amendment to gain control of the Presidency. Most of Prescott's term was ordinary, but he was criticized great for his near-attack of three middle eastern nations who he incorrectly believed were responsible for a nuclear bomb attempt on America - such a war was prevented by David Palmer's retaking of the office, but most believe it could have been catastrophic for America.

7. Charles Logan



A Princeton graduate, Logan was Lieutenant Governor of California, and afterwards the CEO of Western Energy Coal and Reserve before being selected as John Keeler's Vice President. Logan took over the office after Keeler was critically injured in the destruction of Air Force One. Logan was weak and indecisive in the crisis of his first day in office, leading to former President David Palmer, along with other unelected members of the administration making most important decisions. While Logan settled into office soon thereafter, it was a great blot to American history when it was revelead that he was behind the assassination of President Palmer, and partially responsible for the release of Sentox nerve gas. He is forced to resign, and in exchange for avoiding the embarassment of a trial is let off to live in house arrest on a ranch.

Not enough information: Harold Barnes - President before defeated by David Palmer

Hal Gardner - Vice President under Logan, takes over his term after Logan resigns.

Jon Heyman - enshrined in shitty baseball writer Hall of Fame



I'm pretty sure I've already made it my business to officially not read anything he ever wrote, but if I didn't before I'm making it official now. Maybe before I just banned myself from reading analysis, but allowed myself to read his reports on free agent and trade rumors. I will now not even read those articles (hopefully he has a more adept rival and finding out news.) He's just too stupid

Of course he's been a grade A moron for years, but what immediately sets me off is his comments related to Bert Blyleven and the Hall of Fame:

"I never thought [Bert Blyleven] was a Hall of Famer when he was playing, and I saw him play his entire career."

"[His popularity] is based on a lot of younger people on the Internet who never saw him play."

"It's not about stats...it's about impact."

- Jon Heyman on MLB Network, 1/12/09

Rich Lederer takes on the comments here - the gyst being that Heyman's an idiot - that the word impact is meaningless gibbrish, and that how could Heyman known Babe Ruth was a Hall of Famer, if he didn't see him himself.

Of course maybe if this incredibly moronic Hall of Fame statement was the only thing of this nature to come out of Heyman's mouth (or pen? or keyboard?), maybe he could deserve a second chance. But here are some of Heyman's other greatest hits (I've taken some of the links from firejoemorgan's excellent cataloging and comments):

- Actually I'm putting this first but I doubt anything else I see will top this for idiocy - selecting Francisco Rodriguez as his choice for AL MVP in 2008 - it is really hard to top putting a reliever for MVP, let alone a reliever who was at best the fourth best closer in the league.

Honestly I can't top this - just read the firejoemorgan page for more -I'll steal a clip as a tease though:

In a Heyman mailbag:

Still using wins to judge a pitcher? I thought we'd moved out of the Dark Ages. Beckett has received almost 7 runs per game of support, whereas guys like Haren ( 5.44), Santana (5.24), and Bedard (4.60) have all received considerably less. Or are they supposed to will their teams to play better with their magical clutchness and playing of the game the right way like Beckett does? Also, VORP (one of those spooky, newfangled computer stats) has Kelvim Escobar first, followed by Santana, Bedard and Haren. Beckett is a distant seventh.
--Rob, Southington, Conn.

There goes that VORP again. When the standings are determined by VORP, I think I will take it more seriously. But as you know, they still go by wins and losses. Like I said, I am an admirer of Bedard's. I had him second. Why don't you send your insults to Jim Leyland, who didn't even pick him for the All-Star team?

So Heyman will only use statistics that determine the standings. Of course you realize this eliminates at-bats, hits, walks, strikeouts, stolen bases, doubles, triples, home runs, RBIs, Batting Average, on-base percentage, and slugging percentage. Not that Heyman would use those last two anyway, because, you know, 'on-base percentage?' That could mean anything! Now, win-percentage. Theres a stat I could get behind. Or lose percentage. Another great stat. Why don't these stat geeks program their computers to do that? Huh!?! I gotta sit down...

New characters in 24

Ah, finally, after nearly two years, thanks to the writers' strike and one mediocre TV movie event, 24 is back. One of the joys of 24, past welcoming Jack Bauer again into our lives, is the introduction of new characters played by actors from all over the film, television and theater world (and of course eventually trying to figure out which of them are evil)

Let's take a look at a few.

Rhys Coiro as FBI Special Agent Sean Hillinger


Entourage fans of course know Coiro best as mad man egotistical and suit-hating director Billy Walsh, the man behind huge indie success Queens Boulevard and giant hollywood flop Medellin. In 24, Hillinger seems so far to be an ornery, irritating and unfriendly agent, similar to Walsh except clean shaven and dress in a way Walsh would find utterly unacceptable.

Janeane Garofalo as FBI Special Agent Janis Gold


It's kind of hard to believe Garofalo as an FBI agent. Of course Garofalo is a staple of fine films and television shows, appearing in the Ben Stiller Show and the last two seasons of the Larry Sanders Show, a brief SNL spurt, The Truth About Cats and Dogs, Reality Bites, Wet Hot American Summer and Clay Pigeons (and the above-shown Matchmaker). Apparently she was offered the lead role in Jerry Maguire if she could lose weight - by the time she did Renee Zellweger had stolen the role from her. Also she starred in two failed TV pilots, one based on the life of Annie Duke, called "All In" and another called "Slice of Life" featuring her as a reported consigned to human interest stories.

In 24, so far, Garofalo seems a kind of FBI version of Chloe, pretty much exactly - perhaps they'll square off to the death later in the show?

Colm Feore as First Gentelmen Henry Taylor


Feore, an Irish-Canadian actor has appeared in many Shakespeare productions, but is best known by me for his performance as Andre Linoge, the mysterious stranger in the 1999 television production of Stephen King's "Storm of the Century" and his portrayal of former Colonial President Richard Adar in the new Battlestar Galactica. Feore is best known in Canada for his role as Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau and as the English-speaking cop in the amazing sounding "Bon Cop, Bad Cop," in which, in order to solve a murder in which the body was found on the border of Ontario and Quebec, a by-the-book English-speaking cop must team up with a renegade French-speaking cop.

Henry Taylor is so far singlemindedly bent on figuring out who murdered his son. While others try to assure him it was a suicide, it obviously isn't, or we wouldn't be wasting our time on this plot.

Bob Gunton as White House Chief of Staff Ethan Kanin


Of course Gunton is best known for one role in particuar - his portrayal of Warden Samuel Norton in the Shawshank Redemption. Interestingly, Gunton also played Richard Nixon in a recreation of the Watergate Tapes incident for Nightlight. Perhaps because of these two roles, his character in 24 immediately seems evil, particularly as so far we know there is a conspiracy deep within the heart of the new administration to hold of the administration's planned invasion of Songala, and we know Gunton has been pressuring President Taylor to back off.

Cherry Jones as President Allison Taylor


Jones is best known as a theater actress, having twice won Tonys - for her roles in The Heiress and Doubt (now a major motion picture!). She appeared as Matt Damon's mom in Ocean's Twelve, and had roles in The Village and Signs. She also dates Sarah Paulson, who appeared in the short-lived Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, and will appear in the likely equally short-lived remake of failed Jeremy Piven/Paula Marshall show Cupid.

Taylor is the 6th president featured in the 24 universe (not counting whoever is president while David Palmer is running in the first season). She appears to be interventionist, and not yet evil - it will remain to see how she handles the challenges of having her whole entire administration be corrupt, as will probably happen.

In the spirit of showing America that fat people can rock, after discussions with friend of the blog Andrew Unterberger, I've compiled what I think is an admirable attempt at an all horizontally-challenged rock supergroup. They could tour the country inspiring fat kids everywhere, teaching them, that they can be cool too, if they learn how to play instruments anyway - an important service, especially considering the amount of obesity these days.

We'll start with the rhythm section.

Setting the beat, will be Abe Laboriel, Jr.. Who is Abe Laboriel, Jr., you ask? He most notably has been Paul McCartney's drummer for the past few years, but has also drummed on albums and tours for such acclaimed artists ranging from Imogen Heap to Scritti Politti, from Dave Stewart to O-town, from Vanessa Carlton to Lisa Marie Presley.


He's clearly not ashamed of his girth either, drumming authoritatively with a couple of buttons popped open on his stylish button down shirt.

Strumming her bass to the beat of Abe's drums will be the female representative for our group, the bassist (naturally). Someone has to show fat girls that they can be rock stars too. Starring in the role is, of course, Maya Ford, better known in some circles as "Fat Donna" (yes, I know her link just goes to the regular Donnas page - she's not big enough (maybe in multiple ways) to get her own page.)


She's the one on the right of course. I would normally have opted for an action shot, but I couldn't beat this picture with her with that grumpy look, clearly not excited to be there taking a picture with long haired dude, enjoying a beer while dude holds out the "rock" sign and puts his arm around her. In addition, I was sad to discover that in a couple of photos she doesn't look all that fat, so many she went through a weight loss phase, or the light was favorable, but I'm going to choose to believe that this is the definitive Maya Ford, and that even if she was thinner, she'd Robert DeNiro-in-Raging-Bull like put the weight back on for the sake of the children.

Leading the guitar attack will be Chris Burney of Bowling for Soup. (Please if you haven't clicked on any of the links yet, try this one - the wikipedia page is bizarrely informative - it's got, among other things his dog's name, his tatoos, and the name of his fake tooth (Byron) - but honestly the best part is the way it characterizes things - Chris is "quite proud" of his extensive DVD collection - when not on the road, he enjoys "a rousing game" of PGA tour golf "coupled with double Jack Daniels and Diet Coke, tall" - and most of all, a point of exact agreement for me and Chris - his favorite overused sports cliche - ""This team just didn't want it enough.")



Possibly even less ashamed of his fat than Abe, Chris wears a jersey in this shot, showing off both his muscles and tatoos. With all that, and his sweet goatee, Chris is a perfect choice for lead guitar.

The perfect fat singer. There are a few candidates.

At this point, I'd like to give a shout out to the Magic Numbers, who really don't seem all that fat except for one of them, but who walked out from a Top of the Pops recording after someone said they had been put in a "fat melting pot of talent."

I'd love to put in John Popper, but he had the nerve to go out there, get stomach stapling surgery and lose all that weight. Now, what kind of role model is that?


I then wanted to place Drowning Pool's Dave Williams in the role of fat singer (notwithstanding his dead-ness - I'm no longer counting that against potential singers, as you'll see) but I was unable to find a picture I was completely happy with.

Edit:

For true fatness, though it's simply impossible to match famed Hawaiian singer and ukulele player Israel Kamakawiwo'ole. Perhaps not as rocking, but more than making up for it in fat, best known for his rendition of Over the Rainbow, Israel apparently once weighed over 769 pounds. Sadly deceased, he died of weight related illness and was one of only three people (apparently) for which the Hawaiian capital building flew their flag at half-mast.



I present to you, America, your new rock supergroup (except for the fact that one of them is dead - but maybe an imitator?). Go inspire.

Who doesn't need holidays? The latest is one not fixed to a day, but a time - the last Sunday of the NFL season which shall now be known as Jim Sorgi day. Jim Sorgi, the venerable Wisconsin Badger and Colts' back-up quarterback is best known for getting the vast majority of his playing time on the last day of the season, as Peyton Manning has never missed a start and generally the Colts have been in a position in which the final game doesn't affect their playoff seeding.



Let's take a minute now to appreciate Jim Sorgi's fine work.

This year he only got into the final game, against the Titans, helping the Colts defeat them in a meaningless game for both teams, going 22 for 30 for 178 yards and an 87.9 QB rating.

In 2007, he through 24 of his 36 attempts in the final game, going 11 for 24 for a mere 68 yards and a 66.7 QB rating.

Something had to be contested in 2006, thus sadly meaning not a single attempt for Sorgi in 2006, but that was retroactively made up for by playing two meaningless games in 2005 very effectively, 22 for 30 against Seattle with a 103.8 QB rating (though with a fumble) in a week 16 loss, and 20 of 30 for 94.7 QB rating against the Cardinals in a Week 17.

In his rookie year, 2004, Sorgi played the honorary final game (though he amazingly got 4 attempts earlier in the season including a 7-yard completion), connecting on 16 of 25 passes for 168 yards and 2 TDs for 110.1 QB rating. Phenomenal.

We can only hope that Sorgi can keep it up and join Frank Reich and others in the back up QB Hall of Fame (and that him and Manning can best Reich and Jim Kelly's 9 year starter/back up relationship).