In the spirit of showing America that fat people can rock, after discussions with friend of the blog Andrew Unterberger, I've compiled what I think is an admirable attempt at an all horizontally-challenged rock supergroup. They could tour the country inspiring fat kids everywhere, teaching them, that they can be cool too, if they learn how to play instruments anyway - an important service, especially considering the amount of obesity these days.

We'll start with the rhythm section.

Setting the beat, will be Abe Laboriel, Jr.. Who is Abe Laboriel, Jr., you ask? He most notably has been Paul McCartney's drummer for the past few years, but has also drummed on albums and tours for such acclaimed artists ranging from Imogen Heap to Scritti Politti, from Dave Stewart to O-town, from Vanessa Carlton to Lisa Marie Presley.


He's clearly not ashamed of his girth either, drumming authoritatively with a couple of buttons popped open on his stylish button down shirt.

Strumming her bass to the beat of Abe's drums will be the female representative for our group, the bassist (naturally). Someone has to show fat girls that they can be rock stars too. Starring in the role is, of course, Maya Ford, better known in some circles as "Fat Donna" (yes, I know her link just goes to the regular Donnas page - she's not big enough (maybe in multiple ways) to get her own page.)


She's the one on the right of course. I would normally have opted for an action shot, but I couldn't beat this picture with her with that grumpy look, clearly not excited to be there taking a picture with long haired dude, enjoying a beer while dude holds out the "rock" sign and puts his arm around her. In addition, I was sad to discover that in a couple of photos she doesn't look all that fat, so many she went through a weight loss phase, or the light was favorable, but I'm going to choose to believe that this is the definitive Maya Ford, and that even if she was thinner, she'd Robert DeNiro-in-Raging-Bull like put the weight back on for the sake of the children.

Leading the guitar attack will be Chris Burney of Bowling for Soup. (Please if you haven't clicked on any of the links yet, try this one - the wikipedia page is bizarrely informative - it's got, among other things his dog's name, his tatoos, and the name of his fake tooth (Byron) - but honestly the best part is the way it characterizes things - Chris is "quite proud" of his extensive DVD collection - when not on the road, he enjoys "a rousing game" of PGA tour golf "coupled with double Jack Daniels and Diet Coke, tall" - and most of all, a point of exact agreement for me and Chris - his favorite overused sports cliche - ""This team just didn't want it enough.")



Possibly even less ashamed of his fat than Abe, Chris wears a jersey in this shot, showing off both his muscles and tatoos. With all that, and his sweet goatee, Chris is a perfect choice for lead guitar.

The perfect fat singer. There are a few candidates.

At this point, I'd like to give a shout out to the Magic Numbers, who really don't seem all that fat except for one of them, but who walked out from a Top of the Pops recording after someone said they had been put in a "fat melting pot of talent."

I'd love to put in John Popper, but he had the nerve to go out there, get stomach stapling surgery and lose all that weight. Now, what kind of role model is that?


I then wanted to place Drowning Pool's Dave Williams in the role of fat singer (notwithstanding his dead-ness - I'm no longer counting that against potential singers, as you'll see) but I was unable to find a picture I was completely happy with.

Edit:

For true fatness, though it's simply impossible to match famed Hawaiian singer and ukulele player Israel Kamakawiwo'ole. Perhaps not as rocking, but more than making up for it in fat, best known for his rendition of Over the Rainbow, Israel apparently once weighed over 769 pounds. Sadly deceased, he died of weight related illness and was one of only three people (apparently) for which the Hawaiian capital building flew their flag at half-mast.



I present to you, America, your new rock supergroup (except for the fact that one of them is dead - but maybe an imitator?). Go inspire.