Monday, September 08, 2008

Two commercial posts in a row! Fun. Okay, there's a series of ads for fantasy football at which are NFL Fantasy Files, each with a different player. Basically, the idea of each ad is that the player says something like "check this out," after which he performs some sort of unlikely feat with the football, depending on his position, throwing, catching, running, or kicking, and then after he's finished says, "Pick Me." I've taken it upon myself as a service to the online community to rank these ads in terms of quality of feat - which both takes into account impressiveness, uniqueness and overall coolness.

We're start with the worst and work our way up to give everyone something to look forward to.

Marques Colston:

I hate to do this, as Colston is my boy as a Hofstra alum - a school less than ten minutes away from my house - but this is simply the most boring fantasy file. He catches two balls, one behind his back, and one he comes down on as it's zooming by. I mean, sure it's impressive, but it's supposed to be impressive, it's a fantasy file. Nothing wrong with what he says, but nothing so interesting that I can jump him a spot. Sorry, Marques.

Chris Simms

I'm going to have to admit - this one loses some immediate props from the fact that no one will want to pick Chris Simms - he wasn't on a team at the beginning of this season. He throws two balls into garbage cans, and then the last into a garbage can on a moving truck. I do like the fact that he comments on his throws as he's going ("Automatic") and I listened really close to try to figure out what in the world is being shouted at him (something something something smart kid).

Neil Rackers

Rackers tells us we're going to see "something [he's] been working on" - kicking the first two balls into the left upright and the second two into the right upright. Props for telling us what he's going to do before he delivers, but again, entirely boring - not an ounce of creativity there - sure it's impressive, but that's just not going to cut it. Though I do love his plea - pointing out that we need a kicker.

Marc Bulger

Bulger's feat is hitting the sign which indicates the number of down it is, and spinning it around, from 1 to 2, from 2 to 3 and from 3 to 4. It's a pretty lame feat, and I would drop it below Chris Simms if not for the fact that Bulger is at least actually starting for NFL team and has a credible argument for you to actually pick him (though the way the Rams played on Sunday who knows how credible that is for long).

Mike Nugent

I like the jenga element - Nugent aims for a pyramid of six garbage cans - first, depositing the ball in the top without knocking anything down, then in the left and right corners, leaving a diamond, which he then knocks down with his last kick. Very visually pleasing. Indeed, this is the first of the series of videos in which the participant tells us what it takes to be a great whatever position he plays - strength and accuracy to be a great kicker, Nugent tells us. I also like his "I say you pick me" at the end - it sounds a little more forceful than some others.

Andre Johnson

We've started getting into the pretty cool ones here. Johnson sets up the ball-throwing machine, then sprints over in time to catch the ball it shoots out - pretty cool. Not much theater to it, but he has a cool little speech at the beginning, ironically, about the lack of talking he does. Nifty.

David Akers

The most zen speech so far - "Life is about balance. When you achieve balance, the impossible becomes possible" - he then proceeds to kick the stationary ball up in the air a few inches from its placement between his two feet, and then kick a field goal with it. Impressive, but he'd be down a few notches if not for his speech about balance, and his "Pick me, grasshoppa" at the end.

Chris Chambers

The best part of this is the way there's a crowd of people that has been "asking [him] to do this all day." He complies, while facing the camera, catches passes thrown to his back with his left and right hands and then catches on between the two footballs, and then after telling us we should pick him, he adds in that it's our move. A good, but not the best feat, but gets a spot or two for the clamoring crowd at the beginning.

Jason Campbell

He says, "Two recievers, two footballs, one choice" - which sounds kind of cool though it took me a while to figure out what the choice was (presumably him in fantasy football?). Basically, he tosses the two footballs one after each other, as two recievers run routes, one straight out to his left, and one two his right, and the second football his the first, and they both go directly to the receivers. Not too shabby - not too much flash, but one of the more creative drills we'll seen.

Braylan Edwards

This ranking is pretty much predicated on Edwards' speech before and while he does his trick. I'd love to hear some football announcer say this (It's so good, I'm just typing the whole thing up) "You can't see it can you? (laughs) Being a reciever is not about physicality, speed - it's about zen and the art of receiving - seeing without seeing - feeling, emotion, reaching out - seeing without seeing." I mean his trick is kind of boring - he catches a bunch of balls with a blindfold on. But that speech is definitely the best of anyone in any of the ads - coupled with his "Pick me. I am your choice" at the end.

Laurence Maroney

First of all, you know he's going to get some uniqueness points right off the bat since he's the only running back, so there's not a couple other videos that look just like it. Second, what's amazing is that when he says "if there's a hole" it sounds like "if there's a ho." Yes, I know this is stupid. It's still funny. Third, there's a fantastic warning at the bottom which says "Do not attempt unless you are an NFL athlete." Fourth, it's actually a pretty cool stunt - jumping through a car with just the windows open on the front seat. Fifth, he is actively agressive in convincing us to pick him - almost yelling "In your league, you better pick me. Your move."

We're getting down to the final two here...

Chris Cooley

Not quite Braylan Edwards-like but solid beginning describing what you need to be a pass-recieving tight end - strength and instincts - but this is here mostly because this is such an awesome stunt. He caught a ball throught a piece of wood! Plus, he uses the skills he had said were necessary - the strength to push through the wood, and the instincts to realize the ball were there. It's pretty great. Also, is he just doing this in a house being constructed? Aren't the owners of the home going to pretty pissed that there's a whole in their house? Just a possibility. Also if you haven't seen this video of Chris Cooley conduction a fantasy draft with other Redskins, it's worth checking out.

And now the champion...

Mason Crosby

No, he's not just here because he has an awesome name. This is definitely the most creative stunt of them all, coupled with the idea that it's a prank - as Crosby tells us "they hate it when I do this." It's not just the fact that he's artificially making it sound like it's three which makes it great - he could do that at any time and it would be a prank - it's that for some reason he's doing this at 2:59. And yes, he kicks the three footballs to hit the bells, tricking everyone in the vicinity into thinking it's 3 instead of 2:59. For good measure, after he's done, as the screen fades out we here the actual three o'clock bells. Can't beat it.

1 comment:

AndrewEberle said...

Outside of the top two, your rankings are shady at best but what can you do. How the hell did Chris Simms get one of these anyway?